- A woman posted a picture of her negative pregnancy test on Instagram after 1,200 days of trying to conceive.
- Tara Engelberg wrote an incredibly moving and emotional caption about how hard infertility is, and it’s resonated with women around the world.
- “I wish there were adequate words to express the deep heartache and frustration of infertility because my words never seem to do justice to all the heaviness in my heart,” she wrote.
- Engelberg told Insider she wishes “people understood the deep level of the emotional, physical, and financial toll of infertility.”
- Visit Insider’s homepage for more stories.
A woman has won praise for sharing a picture of her negative pregnancy test online after trying to conceive for nearly 1,200 days.
Holistic nutrition therapist Tara Engelberg, 33, posted the image on Instagram alongside a heartfelt and moving post about her infertility struggles.
A post shared by Tara | Fertility + Wellness (@nutritionbytara)Jan 13, 2020 at 8:31am PST
“Another negative pregnancy test. Another period. Another reminder that for whatever reason, we cannot get pregnant,” she wrote.
“I sometimes wish there was a video camera to show the nightmare that is infertility,” she wrote. “How after the first sighting of a new period that I somehow have to muster up the courage to tell my husband that once again, we won’t be pregnant this month.
“It’s a scene all too familiar in my home. It is a scene that is followed by grief and utter heartbreak. Where my husband and I hold each other close as we mourn this unbearable journey.
“It is the part where we allow ourselves to release our pain and then try to figure out how we are going to pick ourselves back up and get through this. It is the part where I wipe away my tears, put on fresh makeup, and then go back out into the world and act like we haven’t been bruised and broken from this fight.”
Infertility is described as the inability for couples of reproductive age to conceive after a year of trying, according to the World Health Organisation.
Engelberg and her husband, who are based in Denver, Colorado, have been trying to conceive naturally for over three years, and the “mama in waiting” has been documenting her journey on Instagram to raise awareness about the process and how hard it is.
“After each negative pregnancy test, I somehow gather the courage and the hope to try again,” she wrote. “But after nearly 1200 days of trying, something inside changes. That hope that used to flow through my body so powerfully diminishes a little more each month.”
As we enter the second day of the year, and the freshness of a new decade, I can’t help but think back to some of the memories that have shaped me the most over this past year. I think of the times where I have been bruised and broken-hearted. I go back to the moments like the day my doctor told me I probably wouldn’t have children without IVF or adoption, or all the months I believed I was pregnant just to have my period arrive on schedule. . . I go back to the times I was wrapped in fear, and I see myself, the girl that thought she could never handle another letdown, needle, or procedure somehow overcome it. I look back and I see the days where I couldn’t see the light in anything, only to now see that through the darkness, there has always been a light. I go back to these moments to remind myself of these lessons. When life brought its storms, I can see my strength, and I know now that when the rain clears, there will be another rainbow. . . Infertility has been a great hardship, but it has shaped me and has given me my strength to persevere through any obstacle. I know there will be more mountains to climb in the future, but I also know I’ve got this. I trust that 2020 will be an exceptional year filled with wonder, hope, and magic. Sending love, strength, and happiness to you all. Cheers to a year filled with endless miracles and possibilities. ♡ . . . #ttc #ttccommunity #endobabe #infertility #infertilitysucks #infertilitysister #infertilityawareness #hope #miracles #positivevibes #warrior #infertilitywarrior #wellnessblogger #infertilityblog #denverblogger #thisisinfertility #ivf #ivfjourney #infertilitysupport #womenswellness #wellness #spiritjunkie #tiuteam #endometriosis #womensupportingwomen #ttctribe #infertilitytribe #ivfgothis #spirituality
A post shared by Tara | Fertility + Wellness (@nutritionbytara) on Jan 2, 2020 at 8:17am PSTJan 2, 2020 at 8:17am PST
Engelberg explained that she was now at a point where she would start undergoing medical procedures in the hope of getting pregnant:
“After this failed cycle, we have come to understand that our next step will require needles, hormones, and meds I cannot even pronounce. It is the step that requires even more physical, emotional, and financial strength. It is the step we were praying we would never need, but we are so grateful to have.
“But the truth is we are tired and we are drained. We are emotionally exhausted and scared out-of-our-minds. We never thought becoming parents would be this hard, and we never imagined our mountain to climb would be so large.
“I wish there were adequate words to express the deep heartache and frustration of infertility because my words never seem to do justice to all the heaviness in my heart. All I know is that nobody deserves this struggle, this fight. I have to believe there is a reason for this journey, and that somehow it will all be alright.”
Engelberg wasn’t always so open about her infertility though.
“For two years, my husband and I kept our struggle a secret,” she told Insider. “We were shy and a little embarrassed by our struggle to conceive. No one was talking about infertility, and it was difficult for us to open up with others about it. It was a very isolating and lonely experience, and I hit rock bottom.
“When we finally started talking about our infertility, we realized how healing it was for us, and how important it is to start the conversation.
“We hope our struggles will raise infertility awareness and help support others going through this incredibly difficult struggle as well. I don’t want anyone to feel alone during this journey. I want people to know that they can come to me, and it’s okay to talk about infertility.”
A post shared by Tara | Fertility + Wellness (@nutritionbytara)Dec 3, 2019 at 8:50am PST
The incredibly emotional message of her post hit home with many women, and after being shared on Instagram by Motherly, Engelberg received messages of support from all over the world.
“My heart is breaking for you and for the mommas who are at this point,” wrote Amber Walgamott. “We struggled so much after our miscarriage and literally two days before putting in an adoption application I got pregnant.
“Praying it’s fast and that you have a network of support and that what you are feeling and going through is real. So cry your tears and scream girl but you are stronger than you even know every time you pick yourself up off the floor.”
Many shared their own stories.
“It took us 7 years of negative pregnancy tests and 1 positive test that ended in a miscarriage,” commented Yara Bistrain. “I was approaching my 40th birthday and finally came to terms with the fact that we would not have kids.
“I truly think it was the relief I gave myself to just accept our current state at that time that let me conceive. I was shocked since it wasn’t planned but that’s how life seems to work.”
Engelberg told Insider she never imagined the post would receive such a huge response.
I’ve been filled with so much gratitude, thanks to all of you. 😘 . But a week ago I was at a low point. My period came unexpectedly, and I was filled with so much pain and heartbreak. I didn’t know how I was going to pick myself back up from another BFN, and I certainly didn’t know how I would be able to get through another letdown, or how I’d have the strength to even begin IVF. . But then you guys showed up for me in a way I never expected or even dreamed possible. I’ve received messages of hope from all over the United States, Germany, England, Spain, France, Australia, Austria, the Middle East, and beyond. I have deeply felt your love, and I also see your pain. So many of you are also on this emotional journey, and I want you to know that I’m with you, and I’m here to support you, too. As my friend @my_so_called_ivf said: “You’re not my silver lining, you are my lifeline.” I have felt this in its truest form over the last few days, and I am grateful beyond words for your encouragement. Thank you for showing me that love overshines fear and that together, we are stronger, we are better. ♥
A post shared by Tara | Fertility + Wellness (@nutritionbytara) on Jan 21, 2020 at 11:40am PSTJan 21, 2020 at 11:40am PST
“When I added this post to Instagram I hoped that somebody would resonate and find a connection with it, but I had no idea it would reach and touch the number of people that it has,” she said.
“I have been deeply moved by the outpouring amount of love and encouragement I have seen, and I am also touched to see such a powerful community of warriors come together to support one another and begin this important conversation.”
Engelberg said she will continue to raise awareness about the difficulty some women face getting pregnant:
“I wish people understood the deep level of the emotional, physical, and financial toll of infertility. It impacts a person’s everyday life and changes everything from lifestyle decisions to financial obligations to personal relationships and beyond.
“It is a difficult, life-changing experience lived by millions of everyday warriors. There are so many ways to support people going through infertility, and I encourage everyone to learn more about the ways to help their loved ones this difficult journey.”